Q: Hello, Chris. I am a 48-year-old woman who has been celibate for 7-years. I am so miserable and unhappy with the online dates I’ve had. I miss having a partner and I must be the only woman practicing celibacy. I am so lonely and tired of men who don’t want to date me, but rather they only want sex instead. I am also a black woman and I don’t want to date men my own race. But they seem to be the only men reaching out to me. I don’t know what to do anymore, so please help me.
~ Markena in St. Louis
In order to be happy, even when you’re miserable, you need to project happiness and confidence. And pretty soon, those projected traits will rub off on you.
But I am jumping ahead.
I believe what you need to do immediately is become proactive on the online dating sites you’re using. If only black men are reaching out to you, but you desire races other than your own, then reach out to the men who interest you!
You need to scour the profiles and vet those men who fit the criteria you seek. Don’t wait for them to contact you, especially since you have such exacting criteria concerning race. You need to take matters in your own hands.
I am not sure why men you date only want sex and aren’t looking at you as relationship material. Only you can evaluate that, since I can’t see or hear what goes on your date.
For instance, are you dressing appropriately? Are you keeping the conversation light and fun and non-sexual? Are you keeping positive during your date or only conveying negative thoughts?
Men don’t respond well to women who are desperate or unhappy. That is not relationship material to them – and I am afraid your miserableness may be coming through on your dates.
Regarding your celibacy, it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been celibate – you’re the only one who knows or cares. There are many other women who’ve been celibate as long or longer than you.
Your sex life (or lack thereof) should never be discussed with the men you meet or ever be on your dating profile either. If you have been revealing this on your dates or elsewhere, that may explain why they’re only interested in having sex with you.
Now please read the first paragraph again, and then read one more time. I want you to put on your happy face and reach out to the men who interest you – start there and see what happens.
And I would seriously consider hiring a professional advisor to go over your dating profile – they can tell you what’s working or not, or what needs to be changed.
Wishing you happy and productive first dates – which will lead to even more with the right man!
P.S. Readers, please share this on your Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, Digg, Delicious, or any appropriate social media site. Spread the word! I really do respond to authentic inquiries as time allows.